Memoir of a Girl

The stories of my life

Yeah. It’s Like That. January 6, 2011

Filed under: Rants and Raves — krisedja @ 2:41 am
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Last night I just could not fall asleep no matter what. I was awake until 5 am, I’m sure, before I finally hit the pillow. I set my cellphone for an alarm, but was pretty convinced when I did that that it would be a useless gesture as I was likely to sleep right through it. I was right. I was determined that I would make it to class today, on time. I was about ten minutes late. And there was no class. Surprise surprise.

I have to gather some signatures for my application for graduation, so I started that process and then decided to go wait for the dean of nursing because I had some questions. On my research. On my tuition fees that continuously increase. On my duty assignment when the other seniors begin their intense board reviews.

I spoke to our level coordinator the other day about my duty assignment. I explained that I really had two options that were preferable to me. One being go to a smaller comunity hospital with CI ‘A’, and the second, staying in the medical ward at a regional hospital with CI ‘B’. She was supposed to talk to the others involved in this process of decision making and let me know today. She was not at school. Surprise surprise.

I was informed this morning that we had a meeting for all graduating seniors regarding officer elections for graduation and I should be there. As a rule, I never go to those meetings, and I don’t plan on sticking around to partake in the commencement ceremony, so I didn’t join in the festivities. While I was waiting in the nursing office, a classmate came in and advised me that I was being called there because I was nominated as an officer. You see there are ten positions to be filled, and exactly ten people that are eligible to fill said positions based on their GPA. I asked him to please let them know that I would not be joining as I will not be here for the commencement.

And what’s up with me being eligible based on my GPA? Someone else mentioned to me later in the day that I was a candidate for cum laude and all I could do was give a blank stare since my GPA is lingering only slightly above 3.1 due to the wonderful grading system that they have here, which seems to be 100% subjective.

At any rate, everyone seems to be devastated that I will not be staying for commencement, but I have to say, I still have no interest in joining. This is number three for me now and it has been a long hard road living away from my loved ones, in an unknown, unfamiliar world. I know that should make all the more reason to make a big deal and go through the traditional motions, but really, I am in some kind of survival coping mode, where the only thing I can think about is finishing my requirements and getting home, to the place that I know. Yeah. It’s like that.

 
 

Blank September 16, 2010

Filed under: Inside My Mind — krisedja @ 2:05 pm
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Blank. That’s the only word I can come up with to describe my week. I have just been lethargic and lazy and… well… blank. Zero motivation.

I described it to someone yesterday as if I almost feel like I am falling into a depression, but I don’t feel ‘depressed’. It’s just the feeling of not wanting to do anything.

I have had a lot of news from home recently that has really stressed me out. At the same time, last week’s duty experience left me feeling like a glorified vital signs taker, and in addition to that, a teacher basically told me that even if I deserved it, I would never get an ‘A’ at this school. Even.if.I.deserved.it.

My classmates get away with murder here compared to the expectations and practices back home, and until now, I have really been working hard to do the right thing, be a good student, set a good example.

But that is hard when you can see the work that you put into something would be an A- at the least, but probably an A back home and here they are telling you you got a B+/A-. They won’t give me my actual grade. They said something about it not being fair until everyone is finished. It’s not fair that I have to wait for people who aren’t ready when they are supposed to be, and don’t care.  We are coming up on only four weeks left in this semester, and out of 70+/- students, more than half still need to make their presentations.

I go to a Christian school where there is absolutely zero academic integrity. ZERO.

Some of the faculty have said that it’s because the school has a redemptive philosophy, that is why they are so accommodating, and always giving ‘special considerations.’

But I wonder, what is that really teaching the student population here?

To me it seems like a message that it’s OK if you are irresponsible, simply because you feel like it.

I haven’t been to duty or class all week this week, and right now iI feel like skipping out on the next three weeks because, you know, hey, it doesn’t matter, because nobody fails at this school. That’s the motto, it seems, among my classmates and others.

I have lost my drive to become better.

Not better than everyone else, but better than I was yesterday or the day before.

I don’t have a desire to be challenged anymore.

I have lost my fire.

Today I got out of bed and decided I must go over to the school and get some things done. I tried to do it the other day, but there was no power, and while classes hadn’t been canceled, there was nobody to be found in any of the administrative offices. Today was better. I did take care of many of the things that were on my list for school, and I have a reason to be awake and ready for the day early tomorrow morning. It’s hard to do anything when there is just no feeling of purpose. How can you be the change you want to see when you see there just will not be change?

I know this is just complete babble to you. I’m just trying to clear some mental clutter and end my day with some motivation in my belly for tomorrow. I’m trying to decide that tomorrow will be a good day. I want to have fire again. I’m trying to get back to that place. Since tomorrow is Friday, and it is only a half day of classes, I’m hoping that I will use that motivation I am trying to gather and keep it going, even if only simmering on a back burner. It think I should just take this weekend as connection time with my littles and be reminded of why I am here and what is really important to me. I am going to stop thinking and just do it.

 

Days Like This February 20, 2009

Filed under: Trials and Tribulations — krisedja @ 11:36 am
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I know that it is possible, but I just don’t see how this day could possibly get any worse. 

 

Let’s start with the fact that I’ve been wicked sick all week, and GOD FORBID that I should actually be allowed to stop and rest.

 

Then let’s move on to the experience I had last night with the first exam I took for my online genetics class.  For starters, it is an ONLNE class, so why should I have to go ONTO CAMPUS to take an exam?  If it can’t be all online, it should’t be an “online” class at all.  The email I had in response to my request for the date and time said “go to room 920″.  That was it.  I arrive at room 920 to find that it is a lab, and it is full of business… and I think to myself, self, this is not an environment that is very conducive to taking an exam.  After waiting a few seconds at the door without anyone noticing me, I go in and say to someone who was just standing around, that I was there to take an exam.  She directed me to a gentleman who was seated at a big desk.  When I said, “excuse me, I am here to take an exam,” I was thoroughly lectured about how I could not just walk into the micro lab like that because it was a restricted area.  Well… I think then that maybe he should have said that IN HIS EMAIL TELLING ME WHERE TO GO FOR THE EXAM. 

 

I had an hour to complete the exam, and in an hour I was not done, but handed it in anyway becuase I didn’t want to get yelled at again.  The only reason I mention this is because I am normally one of the first ones finished when taking an exam, and it is quite unusual for me to not have enough time.  In fact, I can confidently say that I have never not had enough time to finish an exam.  Needless to say, this business of not having enough time to finish the exam did not please me.

 

Moving right along to this morning… as I mentioned, I have been sick all week, and I still feel like complete dookie.  So, this morning, I get up and jump in for a quick shower because I hear the babies are awake upstairs and figure they can’t do as much damage in their bedroom as they can having free reign of the downstairs.

 

So I can hear the pitter patter of little feet while I am in the shower and as I get out, I think the husband must have gotten up and brought them downstairs.  When I exit the bathroom I realize that is not the case though.  I head upstairs to get them dressed and I find Lucy sitting behind the rocking chair, answering me with a “no” when I tell her to come here and get dressed.  I figure, no big deal, I will take care of The Baby first.  Again, I beckon for Lucy to come out from behind the rocking chair, but finally have to convince her that we are going “bye-bye” to get her to come out… at which time, I discover that not only has she gotten into the vaseline that was in the basket on the dresser, but also the A&D ointment… and it IS ALL.OVER.EVERYTHING.  

 

I get that mess all cleaned up and head back downstairs to finish getting dressed and get my stuff for work together, during which time Lucy not only emptied my purse, gleefully writing all over everything with the pen she found, but also got into the husband’s lotion, emptying the container not only all over herself, but also all over the couch.  

 

After taking care of that, I go to get in the car and it wont start.  I go back inside and tell the husband it wont start and I ge a lecture about how I left the light on and he had to turn it off last night, and I need to make sure everything is off before Iget out of the car…. AS IF I DONT ALREADY KNOW THAT LEAVING LIGHTS ON IS NOT GOOD FOR THE BATTERY.  In the mean time, I also know that leaving a light on for the 4 hours between me getting out of the car and him coming home and turning it off is not going to kill the battery so much that it just doesnt start… at all…

 

I call AAA, and go drop the babies off at the sitter’s with the husband’s car… get home to find the AAA guy running all these diagnstics on my car, and I need a new battery. So I ask the guy, after he informs me that the dealership that has been doing the oil changes should have been checking the battery as part of the once-over, and should have noted the corrosion that is all built up, if he can guestimate how old the battery is, because it was supposed to have been brand new when I bought the car a little over a year ago… lucky for me, it was stamped 4/06… meaning those effers from the dealership where I bought it had never replaced it.

 

I finally get on the road to work after the AAA guy replaces the battery, get about half way there, and I have a message that I have the husband’s car keys, and he needs to leave… he was not very happy. 

 

So that was the fantastic start to my fantastic day… we shall see where it goes from here.