Memoir of a Girl

The stories of my life

Blank September 16, 2010

Filed under: Inside My Mind — krisedja @ 2:05 pm
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Blank. That’s the only word I can come up with to describe my week. I have just been lethargic and lazy and… well… blank. Zero motivation.

I described it to someone yesterday as if I almost feel like I am falling into a depression, but I don’t feel ‘depressed’. It’s just the feeling of not wanting to do anything.

I have had a lot of news from home recently that has really stressed me out. At the same time, last week’s duty experience left me feeling like a glorified vital signs taker, and in addition to that, a teacher basically told me that even if I deserved it, I would never get an ‘A’ at this school. Even.if.I.deserved.it.

My classmates get away with murder here compared to the expectations and practices back home, and until now, I have really been working hard to do the right thing, be a good student, set a good example.

But that is hard when you can see the work that you put into something would be an A- at the least, but probably an A back home and here they are telling you you got a B+/A-. They won’t give me my actual grade. They said something about it not being fair until everyone is finished. It’s not fair that I have to wait for people who aren’t ready when they are supposed to be, and don’t care.  We are coming up on only four weeks left in this semester, and out of 70+/- students, more than half still need to make their presentations.

I go to a Christian school where there is absolutely zero academic integrity. ZERO.

Some of the faculty have said that it’s because the school has a redemptive philosophy, that is why they are so accommodating, and always giving ‘special considerations.’

But I wonder, what is that really teaching the student population here?

To me it seems like a message that it’s OK if you are irresponsible, simply because you feel like it.

I haven’t been to duty or class all week this week, and right now iI feel like skipping out on the next three weeks because, you know, hey, it doesn’t matter, because nobody fails at this school. That’s the motto, it seems, among my classmates and others.

I have lost my drive to become better.

Not better than everyone else, but better than I was yesterday or the day before.

I don’t have a desire to be challenged anymore.

I have lost my fire.

Today I got out of bed and decided I must go over to the school and get some things done. I tried to do it the other day, but there was no power, and while classes hadn’t been canceled, there was nobody to be found in any of the administrative offices. Today was better. I did take care of many of the things that were on my list for school, and I have a reason to be awake and ready for the day early tomorrow morning. It’s hard to do anything when there is just no feeling of purpose. How can you be the change you want to see when you see there just will not be change?

I know this is just complete babble to you. I’m just trying to clear some mental clutter and end my day with some motivation in my belly for tomorrow. I’m trying to decide that tomorrow will be a good day. I want to have fire again. I’m trying to get back to that place. Since tomorrow is Friday, and it is only a half day of classes, I’m hoping that I will use that motivation I am trying to gather and keep it going, even if only simmering on a back burner. It think I should just take this weekend as connection time with my littles and be reminded of why I am here and what is really important to me. I am going to stop thinking and just do it.

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Mr. Lizardo September 5, 2010

Filed under: Adventures,Inside My Mind,Mabuhay Philippines — krisedja @ 5:04 am
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This is going to be a rambling post. A distraction of sorts for myself as I am breaking from answering assignment questions about the right to life being fundamental and ‘alienable’. Yes, that is the word used in the question; ‘alienable’. I, however, took it upon myself to use the word ‘inalienable’ in my answer. I hope I don’t lose points.

I have a tendency to be easily startled. I am not fond of insects or any kind of breathing thing that has more than two legs, or no legs at all, and is not considered to be a four-legged-family-member (read dog or cat). So here I was a few minutes ago writing away, shaking the $10 plastic table that serves as our eating and meeting place in the house, when an opened package of cookies was jiggling in such a way that the little torn piece looked like some kind of living thing that might eat me. Even though it was smaller than my thumb. Can you see why my husband likes to jump out and scare me? I would be entertained too, I can’t lie.

I get up and take said package to the small bag serving as a garbage can for the evening, when all of a sudden something in the bag jumps and scares the life out of me for at least an hour   30 seconds. You see, internet, we have a plethora of ‘house lizards’ here in this part of the world that I am calling home these days. They are really just little geckos, like the famous Geico gecko, but they are still not my favorite friends. As a matter of fact, when I first relocated here, if there was a lizard anywhere in the house, you would likely find me standing on a chair screaming. Because surely, the lizard was going to come and eat me.

That was then.

Now, I am a lot less fearful of these little creatures, and I will even go so far as to say that I might be able to actually shoo one out of the house without any equipment in the coming days. Just not yet. But seriously, they are everywhere here, and I had to make the decision to be gecko-friendly, or have an all night long fear-fest. I chose to get friendly. But, I am still easily startled, and this little guy hiding in the bag scared me.

I can see I am going to have a long night ahead of me because I slept until about 2:00 this afternoon in anticipation for my noc duty (3rd shift) that is actually a PM duty (3p-11p) tomorrow. I love it when they post schedules the same day that they become effective.